searching for my soul.

salam..

it has been a while..
im not fond of writing...but today..i feel like i need to write..

lately...or maybe a few years back..i keep on thinking..
what should i do with myself..
i keep on reminding myself..i am 20 years old already..
but sometimes i dont feel like it..

i still remember, one tv programme that i watched..cant remember when
but the dialogue between the girl and her mum goes something like this..

girl : mum..i need to go away..im tired of all this..i need to go to a place where i can find myself..

yeah..i made up the dialogue..i cant specifically remember what she said but the message was there. something to do with 'finding myself'

at first, i wondered y wud that girl waste her money for not a very strong reason? i mean finding herself? what a terrible joke..

but that was before im in the same position as her's..

yeah..im trying..perhaps the suitable word is struggling to find myself..

the feeling is like this..i feel like someone inside me..that ive been holding back..
she is struggling..trying her best to get out..
she is drowning inside..gasping for air and space..
she is the better me..

but...

its not that im not proud with myself..
its just that im not statisfy...with what? i dont even know..
its just the the feeling of urge to feel better to be better and to act like a better person..

sometimes..i feel so envious with people who can act really calm with their problems. who understands the world like he has been living million years ago..
i wish to be calm..and relax..but im just afraid..
afraid that i will be left behind..
afraid that im not good enough...
but despite everything..i still stood there. still. not moving. not progessing.
im still the old me..i didnt do any changes for the betterment of myself.

sometimes..i just wanna scream...and let everyhting go.
i jsut wish to be me and happy with it.
the clumsy-moderate-happy me.
but i just cant...
sometimes acting me makes me feel so foolish.
i jsut dont know y..
when am i going to find myself?